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“Do you ever feel stuck?”

Last week as I entered my garage out of the corner of my eye, I saw something moving.  Initially I thought the wind had caught a piece of paper and it was flapping around. After further investigation I realized it was a sweet baby bunny with one foot completely stuck to a sticky pad. You know the ones you use to catch mice, not rabbits! Poor little thing struggled and struggled hopping all around with his oversized new foot. He knew he was in a bind, he would work really hard to be set free, then just stop and breathe heavy for a few minutes then try again.

Over and over. He was relentless in his efforts.

This is how stuck feels. You try over and over, often giving it your best shot, working so hard only to find yourself in the same position.  As I watched this bunny, I couldn’t help but identify with the poor thing. Sometimes the struggle is real!

It appeared the bunny had been stuck for a while, and after repeated attempts he was able to hop. It didn’t matter whether it was the right direction or not, he was hopping, and he was content, carrying along with him a super large sticky pad. If I would have left him alone, I think he would have settled for being trapped by this unfortunate experience. He would have embraced the larger “foot” and made adjustments to his life to accommodate such a load.

Clearly, I am not a small bunny trapped on a mouse sticky pad…              or am I?

I have found myself stuck. Stuck in my fears, stuck in my doubt, stuck in the repetitive thoughts that I am not good enough. Stuck in a bad mood…the list goes on and on.

It’s confirmed, I am indeed as helpless as that poor rabbit, stuck, lugging around an oversized load that is not supposed to be there. I have a feeling, you can identify.

Getting “stuck,” isn’t always something we choose, often it is circumstances beyond our control that lead us to finding a false sense of comfort somewhere else.

Now that I have deduced us all to a bunch of rabbits who are lugging around an unsightly new accessory, where do we go from here?

How do we get “unstuck?” I have come up with 3 ways to start the process:

  1. Recognize what is holding you back.
  2. Acknowledge there is a better way.
  3. Do the work to release it.

Are you stuck in fear?

“I am afraid of                   .” (failure, loneliness, not belonging, losing control…)

  • Name it and know fear is not from God!

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Are you stuck in doubt?

“I don’t believe I can                 .”

  • Recall what you have done already, and the One who helped you.

“I have, and I know He can.”

Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Are you stuck in negative thoughts?

“I am not good enough, smart enough, thin enough…”

  • Find truth.

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Do the work. All that rabbit needed was someone to help him, find someone to talk to. Confide in a friend, a pastor, a counselor. We can only get “unstuck” if we want to, don’t settle, don’t agree with voice in your head lying to you and telling you this is the only way to live. Agree with the One who created you. He never intended for you to live life struggling at every turn.

Until Next Time,
Courtney

 

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"Inn Keeper," I see you!

2 Samuel 21:10  Rizpah daughter of Aiah took sackcloth and spread it out for herself on a rock. From the beginning of the harvest till the rain poured down from the heavens on the bodies, she did not let the birds touch them by day or the wild animals by night. 

I don’t remember anyone telling me as a mother I would never regain a good night’s rest.  I was warned about the early months, that made sense, occasional interruptions in adolescence were expected. Then the teenage years came rushing in like a leathered, barley in the mouth cowboy, gun drawn and “Howdy mam” on his lips.

Who is this child? Different, yet the same.  A little rougher around the edges, sweetness submerged under the dirt of what was once called communication.  These lovely new “cowboys” that have come to settle on our prairie are demanding.  More food, more money, more friends.                                                             No rest for the weary…                                               

They sleep in the light of day, and trail blaze all night long.

No rest for the weary…

Loud music fills their quarters, with barely a place to set their feet.

No rest for the weary…

Denim laid out disguising the carpet that once had residence.

No rest for the weary…

Oh, weary inn keeper, I see you! I am you. There is no law book that directs our steps on the best way to host our new companion. It is uncharted territory, saddle up, grab the reigns and hold on for the ride.

No, my children aren’t cowboys, we live in a suburb in Texas and honestly, the thought of dirt, muck and chores like a cowboy would be repulsive to each of them. But man, often it feels as if I am living with complete strangers.

I thought I knew you; don’t I know you? These years are rough, and can be exhausting, you long to go back to simpler times when lack of sleep was your biggest concern. But here we are saddled up, rope tying us to a beast we didn’t prepare for. Then I am reminded, I am not alone. I am not the first mother to take this ride, there are others who have gone before me.

In the story in 2 Samuel 21  Rizpah, a mother of two boys who have been taken from her took a sackcloth and spread it out for herself on a rock. From the beginning of the harvest till the rain poured down.

The harvest would have lasted about 6 months, and Rizpah sat vigil. Rizpah rested despite what was happening, Rizpah found peace and rest in the presence of the Lord. Her determination, her resilience gives me courage and hope that some days in the midst of the teenage years, rest and vigilant prayer are enough. Gods purpose for your children will be evident in time. For now, rest your weary head under the hope that God loved them first. Let His love be the rope that binds you and prepares you for the ride.

Until next time,  Courtney

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At the end of your rope?

Do you ever feel like you’re at the end of your rope? Me too! I’m not writing this in hopes that others will coddle me, or feel bad for me. This is for you, momma who is also “at the end of their rope” to know you are not alone!

As if a worldwide pandemic, a divisive election, and an arctic blast blowing through Texas were not enough, let’s add everyday life on top of that. A child lost in addiction, young adults trying to find their way, friends suffering, covid striking, ministry building, parents aging, and laundry overflowing. The list goes on and on, and I bet your list is equally as long and overwhelming. Sometimes it all feels like too much and I want to throw that rope I am hanging onto in the depths of the sea, wave my white flag, and scream, Lord, 

                            “YOU PICKED THE WRONG GIRL!” 

I am NOT strong enough, calm enough, or faithful enough.

Why does the “end of your rope” feel so lonely? Let me tell you, it’s because we are flooded with images, and updates of how “perfect” everyone’s lives are. Living in a fake reality that everyone else’s kids are perfect, yours are not. Everyone else has it all together, you do not. You, my friend, bought a one-way ticket on the “hot mess express” and the passengers are broken, overwhelmed, and exhausted.

It pains me when people assume I have it all together. Don’t let the makeup and fixed hair fool you. It’s possible I am the conductor of the Hot Mess express! Don’t let what you see on the outside or on social media feed be the reason you think you aren’t strong enough, good enough, or faithful enough to handle all that life throws your way. Sweet friend, at the end of your rope, you are not alone! We all have troubles and most days we are hanging on for dear life.

Here’s the deal…There is another end to that rope, which is held by a hand much stronger than ours. The hand of God. If you see strength in me, it’s God. If you see endurance in me, it’s God. If you assume based on outward appearance I have it all together… It’s God. I don’t want you to think for one second, I am capable of anything without GOD. He is my strength, my peace, my endurance. Though I may be hanging on the end, He is pulling me close to him and whispering, “I make no mistakes, be strong, I am here, I’ve got you. ” 

I am sitting in my Mom’s hospital room feeling pretty defeated yet “be strong, I will not leave you” is playing over and over like a broken record in my mind, which gives me comfort. I also write for comfort, often it’s my therapy for my heart. But this morning as I sat back on the little, not so comfortable couch, the Chaplain came over the intercom and shared the daily devotion. Low and behold, Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

The minute I heard the Chaplain, I knew this was a post that needed to be shared. I knew that God was speaking directly to me and he is speaking to you. On the days I feel “at the end of my rope” this is a reminder that God is holding on tight and He won’t let go! So, pick up your chin, dust off your “not enough” attitude and face whatever life will throw your way knowing,  at the end of your rope, is HOPE! 

Until next time,

Courtney

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You are Invited

Dear frustration you have been invited to my party.
Date: 2020
Time: Everyday … ALL DAY!
RSVP: No need, I know you will show up.

Anyone else feel like they have invited frustration to your party? She brought an appetizer of uncertainty garnished with anxiety. She wore her cutest outfit of expectation and a wine glass full of inadequacy…

And she WON’T LEAVE!
I know I am not alone.

I am a planner, I like lists, colored pens, and get great satisfaction from marking through what I have accomplished in a day, week or month. What I don’t like, is a bare calendar! I don’t like having to scratch through things with a big fat red X. I have a list right now that says… well, nothing! It’s  uncomfortable, it’s not who I am.

I am detail oriented, give me all the details, not some broad overview and hypothetical scenarios. That is frustration laughing loudly in the corner and you know she is mocking you.

I want her to leave, but all my friends like her, they welcomed her when she arrived. My kids are even drawn to her. She is the life of the party. I am kicking her out…. NOW!

I could let her stay, but what do I gain from that? She doesn’t help with any of the issues I am facing, the decisions that need to be made, or the anxiety that comes with both.

If I am not careful, my focus will shift, and I will lose sight of what is important. I will lose sight of perspective. Maybe I should have invited Blessing, she always refocuses me. Or Peace, she is a good friend. Attitude adjustment, oh that girl will tell you like it is, but I love her. She pulls me right out of my funky state of mind.  She reminds me instead of uncertainty…. Be certain, that despite this crazy time, God is on the throne and this too will pass. Instead of expectations… how about experience, try something unexpected.

Send frustration home with her anxiety, spilling her wine of inadequacy as she stumbles out the door, because God chose you! For today, for this year, for your children. YOU ARE CHOSEN, and chosen people are not inadequate.

Invite Prayer, she too won’t leave, but you will never want her to. She will hold you; she will listen to you; she will remind you.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I am changing my guest list. Are you?

Until next time,
Courtney

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Balance vs. Peace

Balance and Peace…something we are ALL struggling with.

Whether it is work-related decisions or family decisions, I feel I am one decision away from tipping the scale in the wrong direction.

Go to the store… order online?
In-person school… virtual school?
Playdates… no playdates?
Dine-in… take out?
Cry… or laugh?
Go… or stay?

I am writing this from a hospital waiting room and I just overheard a doctor asking a husband to make a decision on saving his wife’s uterus. I don’t know the situation, I don’t know if they have children or if this surgery was an attempt to make that possible. What I do know, he is having to weigh all the options. The pain I see in his face, the deep breathes he is taking in hopes to sustain his lungs as the breath has been knocked out of him. The wringing of his hands and sweat on his brow are evidence, his scale is heavy on both ends and he is caught in the middle. Save her uterus, sacrifice her uterus. We are here alone, only one family member can be present with the patients, this decision is solely on his shoulders. It makes my decisions seem very small in light of what I am witnessing. Sometimes a big fat dose of perspective is all we need.

How do we find balance when the scale is teetering?

Doesn’t balance bring peace?

How do we find peace ?

If you are struggling and feel one wrong decision will tip your scale, and peace is unattainable you’re not alone!

I am a planner, I like to make a plan and I like for it to work out just as I have imagined it would. Insert a big fat God eye roll right here as he laughs at my “planning.” I imagine Him saying, awe Courtney, that plan is cute, but I’ve got this, you can relax now. Decisions do have to be made and we should make a plan, and be prepared. Not so much for the actual decision but for the ability to find peace with those decisions. How? Especially right now when they feel so heavy, both sides of the scale difficult and both sides of the scale with their own cheering squad.

Here is what I do:
I get selfish, I slow down, and I PRAY!    

Yep, SELFISH! I examine MY mind, MY heart, MY family priorities, I remove the social pressures of everyone else’s “opinions” and make the best decision for those God has entrusted me to take care of. And I make NO excuses!

Slow down, I force my mind and body to slow down, I read a book, lay in the pool (alone), take a nap, watch a mindless show (thank you bachelor nation)! DON’T JUDGE ME! and…

I PRAY! I readjust my focus. Doing this forces me to accept the false notion that I am in control of ANY of it. Every time I have panicked, worried myself out of sleep or into a migraine, which I am famous for, I am reminded God is in control and I don’t have to have all the right answers, but I do have to have enough faith and trust in the One who does have the right answers.

The scale will continue to teeter, balance will continue to feel allusive.  Leaning this way and that, right or wrong, yes or no, calm or chaos.
Just as it levels peace rushes in like ocean waters washing up on the shore cooling your toes. Savor this, welcome it, soak it up! Because like ocean waters, it may recede leaving you longing for it to rush back in.

The good news… it comes back! Flowing more powerfully than ever, over and over again, just when I feel I am being scorched by life, dry to my ability to find peace amongst my balancing act, the waters of peace roll in and wash over me reminding me of God’s goodness and grace.

I may not feel balanced at all times …none of us do.
But I can feel peace even when the scale is tipping. Because my peace doesn’t come from my life being balanced, my peace comes from my trust in God…I choose to trust despite my lack of ability to balance all things thrown at me, HE IS IN CONTROL! And with knowing that, I find Peace!

Until next time,
Courtney

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“Silent Suffering”

This is not your average migraine, this is not, “I think I had one of those one time” type of headache, or “I get those too, a dark room and ice work” kind of headache. 

Imagine a brain freeze on steroids that comes and goes all throughout the day and night, unexpectedly, and with the slightest trigger. Heat, cold, sleep, food, smoke, perfume, naps, fragrant shampoo. Getting sad, being excited… the list is long. 

There are 2 things that can stop these headaches when they hit…high levels of oxygen and injections. Sometimes, hospitalization for IV meds. 
I was 14 the first time I had one…31 years!! That’s unreal when I put numbers to it. 
It’s a hidden disease that I suffer from that few understand. 

I have kept this fairly private for all of these years, for multiple reasons. I have had health care professionals treat me like I am crazy. I have been poked, prodded, tested more times than I can count. I have had doctors medicate me to the point of insanity. Few understand, and to be honest, I don’t like not being in control, or weak. I don’t like to ask for help?

So why write about it?
I don’t think I am alone. There are numerous “silent” issues that so many of us face. So many that suffer in silence out of fear, shame, lack of understanding.

“You look fine, so you must be fine.” To my friends that are not “fine,” YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I don’t care if it’s headaches, anxiety, chron’s disease, depression, diabetes, dysautonomia, the list goes on and on, you are not alone. The issue is when we can’t share our suffering with others. It breeds a state of loneliness, it exasperates an already isolated feeling that is equally as dangerous as the disease itself.

Do you know how many times I have begged God to remove this from my life? I have lost count.
Yet, It remains. 
Am I mad at Him, for choosing me to bear this burden, sometimes…when I’m away from my kids, suffering in a room, banging my head against my hand… not angry, just perplexed, when is enough, enough?

Do you ever wonder the same? 
Then I’m reminded, I am chosen. Every part of my life, even the painful ones, are perfectly crafted by a creator who loves me, and will not let me suffer alone. With that mindset, I get through another sleepless night battling headaches, I push through unseen struggles, I find hope when I feel hopeless.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

In case you are suffering in silence, I hope sharing my struggle allows you to also realize, WE are not alone! He will never leave us or forsake us!

Until next time, Courtney

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“5 Steps on How to Pray”

How often are we asking others to pray for us, solely because we don’t believe we have the ability to pray for ourselves? Growing up, my mother had a sweet housekeeper that appeared to have a direct line to God. Hivanna could pray down the house. Though my mother was raised in Catholic school, taught by nuns no less, it always intrigued me that when she needed prayer about something, Hivanna was the one she called. Now, did my momma pray, sure. But she saw something in Hivannas life that gave her confidence that God would for sure be listening to her.

What was it?

Here is a 5 step process that I believe made all the difference in Hivannas prayer life, which in turn, changed my life and others around her.

  1. Hivanna prayed without ceasing. When she walked the halls of our home, there was a quiet hum beneath her breath. She was always talking to God.
  2. Hivanna journaled. I remember her opening her bible in her little apartment and noticing all the notes that had been taken in the margin. She kept a record of what she was learning and what was happening in her life.
  3. Hivanna was not ashamed. Hivanna made no excuses, and openly professed her love for the Lord and made sure everyone around her knew what a good, good Father he is.
  4. Hivanna didn’t waiver. Life was not easy for her. She lived in what some would consider the “projects,” she had lost her husband and was a single mother with one child having a disability. She wasn’t angry at God that life didn’t look like she may have wanted, she praised Him for the life she had.
  5. Hivanna was bold. She was not afraid to ask God for anything. She knew in the depths of her soul that He only had her best interest in mind, so she was bold in asking Him for the desires of her heart.

If only we could all be a little more like Hivanna. I encourage you to take this 5 step approach to increasing your communication with God. Attached are this weeks downloadable prayer cards to give you a starting point on what to pray and how to pray.

Until next time,

Courtney

Prayer-CardsDownload
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“Transformed”

I had my hair highlighted, a transformation I longed for during this quarantine. I am naturally a blonde (thanks dad), but have darkened with age and kids. It is fine and limp requiring color to provide depth and texture. I say all of this not to reduce the effects of the last few months to a comparison of highlighted hair but to confess this is not my only transformation. Allow me to explain.

I can only hope that the past two months have been transformational for you. Maybe not everyone reading this considers that a good thing. Maybe you were happy with who you were, how your family operated and saw NO reason for change and surely no reason for a radical transformation. Perhaps dark, unruly lacking depth is not the adjectives you would use for your life, or possibly you were unaware and that was ok with you. Could you be so comfortable, you never noticed it could be better? Yet, here we are. I don’t know how any of us are coming out on the other side of this world pandemic, economy shut down and mandated quarantine the same as we were before. If this time has done anything, it has been exposing. Exposing our patience, our ability, our needs, the things we use as a crutch when removed begging us to reevaluate who we really are and what we truly value.

So who are you now?

I was comfortable before…today, I am content.

I was tired…today, I am rested. (with the exception of the days that are a direct result of Netflix binge watching)

I was busy, too busy…today, I am focused.

I was scattered…today, I am intentional.

I was frustrated…come on guys, I am still frustrated, I am homeschooling my children! (I am a work in progress!)

I thrived in control…I welcome release.

Why did it take a world pandemic to transform us? Have we become a nation of people so self centered we can’t recognize that life is supposed to be transformational, without the aid of a pandemic? Under “ordinary” circumstances I hope I have grown, I long for change, I dream of being better tomorrow than I am today. I want to be better wife, mother and friend. I want to increase in contentment, peace, grace and mercy. Why can’t we recognize change opportunities, minus a virus, minus isolation, minus loss?

I am not, will not, and can not be transformed on my own. I am selfish by nature, assuming my control is sufficient. Without radical change in my life I will continue to focus on me and mine, missing you and missing HIM. Transformation in any form comes from Him, the one who loves us beyond any measure of love we can understand. He loves us too much to leave us where we are. That doesn’t mean we like it, but we should embrace it, ask for it, accept it.

In the book of Romans chapter 12 verse 2 Paul writes; 
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Paul wrote this letter to the Romans as an introduction and a clear declaration of his faith and purpose. He builds a case for the lostness of humanity and the necessity of God’s intervention. Do NOT conform to the pattern of this world, BE transformed in your MIND… THEN and only THEN can you see God’s will for your life.

If my mind is not set on the things of the Lord, then it is set on the things of Courtney and no pandemic, no suffering, NOTHING will transform me. It will in fact hurt me, burden me, sadden me, and not change me. I don’t know about you friend, but I want to be changed. I want to be transformed.

My hope for myself and for you is that we don’t let this season of our lives go without accepting the change that is beckoning us in. Lord come, “highlight” the dark, selfish parts of my heart, add depth and texture to my soul, renew my mind that I can have a mind set on you and your perfect and pleasing will for my life. Transform me, renew my mind, strengthen my resolve to live my life for you.

Amen….

Until next time,

Courtney

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“We All Have a Story”

We all have a story and sharing our stories requires bravery, surrender, and willingness. The intimate details of our lives will push us to sink within ourselves or expose us to criticism and judgment.

Who wants that?

What if your story has a purpose?

What if your willingness and honesty are the very things someone else needs to find freedom in their story?

I had the privilege to share a portion of my story at a recent event that was then shared on the “Storytellers Live” national podcast. I would never ask you to do anything I am not willing to do myself. Many of you have already listened, thank you for your feedback as well as the stories you have shared with me. We are more alike than we realize. Those of you who have not, welcome to my story.

https://soundcloud.com/user-370714555/removing-the-masks-courtney-ep-71