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Silence Is Not An Option…

I remember it like it was yesterday. The crowd was expansive, the music was dynamic, the speakers each moved me to tears with their stories. That weekend, in that venue, I witnessed for the first time ever a group of women sold out for the Lord. Hands raised, hearts abandoned, lives transformed. There was no other single moment in my life that could be compared to this moment.

I was raised Catholic, with beautiful traditions, moving hymns, and priests who read from two passages and the gospel each week. I had never been in an arena where women took scripture and made it applicable to me. I never knew that was possible. One woman spoke of how God had reached down into her own personal “pit of hell” and pulled her out. A comedian evoked laughter amongst trying circumstances, the Lord had redeemed all that was broken in her. I remember soaking it all in, like a child sitting on Santa’s lap, soaking in all he is promising to deliver on Christmas morning. I was intrigued, yet a little dismayed. Of course, it is easy to have this type of relationship with God when you have stories like this. You know the kind, the ones that there is no other option. Abuse, betrayal, addiction, loss, abandonment. But what about me? 20 something years old, good marriage, easy pregnancies, parents still together… I had no “story” to share, I really didn’t even want one. But I could hear Him so clearly, I could feel a passion, not created in my own desires, stirring inside of me. As tears began to flow uncontrollably, I shared with an older more “Christian” friend of mine that I felt God was calling me to ministry, He was telling me at that moment, in that arena, YOU will do this one day. You will share your story. My words to her were, “I think I just heard the voice of God call me to do this, but I don’t even have a testimony or a story to share?” My canvas was blank. Little did I know, God was holding the paintbrush and the masterpiece had just begun.

Twenty years later and my relationship with the Lord has been quite exhilarating. I have loved Him more than life itself, and I have loathed Him because “this or that” hurt so bad and it wasn’t “fair.” Through it all, He has never abandoned me and consistently reminded me of that evening 20 years ago. The life I have experienced since that conference has thrilled me and at times shaken me to my core. My family has suffered loss, financial setbacks, unwanted moves, chronic pain, addiction, and so much more. My surrender to the Lord has been a process, I like being in control. As the day of my 45th birthday came and went, I knew that the time was now.

Esther 4:14 says “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS?” Silence is no longer an option.

Canvas DIvine Ministries’ goal is to empower Mothers to live authentic lives through vulnerable storytelling, humorous insights, and practical strategies to unmask the expectations of modern motherhood.

  • What happens when our children are on a different path than what we envisioned?
  • How do we find peace when they are walking through destructive decisions?
  • Are we hurt when it appears as though they don’t “measure up” to what society expects?

As mothers, we carry the worry, guilt, and shame that somehow WE have failed. Freedom from these lies rests in what God says about us and trusting His plan for our children.

Join Canvas Divine as we explore how “Masquerading Martha” longs for courage, “Controlling Cassidy” struggles with surrender and “Disillusioned Demi” defines her purpose.
We will uncover that peace, surrender, and purpose come from our trust in God. He is the one who holds the paintbrush to the canvas of our lives.

Until next time, Courtney

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Punctuation Matters


This Spring
Break we traveled to Orlando. We have always been a family who enjoys a good
trip to Disney and it always sounds like a great idea until about day 2 then
you can’t help but questions your sanity.  The “most magical place on earth” begins to
look a little less “magical.”  This year
the teenagers weren’t nearly as excited as they have been in the past, mostly
because well they are teenagers and if the week wasn’t going to consist of binge-watching
Netflix, fortnite marathons, sleep and friends, I am not sure any trip would
have sufficed. About 9 hours into the trip Hamilton, our youngest, proceeded to
throw up all over the floor board.  Now I
have a crying 7-year-old who hates being sick, a gagging 15-year-old and a
condescending 17-year-old who was convinced we needed to turn around. We stay
the course and finally make it the house in Orlando, sick one quarantined and
teenagers getting their wish of WIFI and solitude.  The illness passed quickly, and we were able
to get the vacation/marathon underway. 
Park after park, from Magic Kingdom to Epcot, throwing in a little Universal
Studios and a few character meals, we had a jam-packed week ahead. As we made
our way around I couldn’t help but find several parallels of our Disney
vacation to the story told by Moses starting in Exodus through Deuteronomy. There
was the “grumbling” kids, similar to the grumbling Israelites on a trip to the Promise
land, though this was supposed to be “magical” it comes with a unique set of
obstacles, weather, lines, expense, mass amounts of people (you get very cozy with
strangers while you wait). I couldn’t help but think of Moses often and how in the
world he led all of those people, most of whom complained and were ungrateful
for what God was doing for them for 40 years! I was exhausted leading our small
group of 5, less than I have done in the past when we were all together.
“It’s hot”
“It’s cold”
“I am
thirsty”
“I am
hungry”
“This line
is too long”
“He is
whining again”
You get
the idea, non-stop needs.  I watched other
families, babies crying, toddlers sleeping, dads fighting strollers, moms
fighting back packs and schedules.  There
were loads of smiles, pictures being taken, accompanied by laughter and an equal
amount of frustration and exhaustion amongst everyone.  Though you are in a “magical” place your selfish
desires can’t be kept at bay. Though the Israelites are finally at the edge of
the promise land Moses knows he must remind them yet again of where they were
(Egypt as slaves), where they have been (wandering for 40 years) and where they
are headed (the promise land).
The book
of Deuteronomy is called the “second law,” the review and repeat of all that
God has done for them and the commands in which they are to follow.  This book is rooted in love! God’s love for
his people despite their grumbling, defiant ways. Moses love for them to make
sure before he leaves them that they are educated in all they need to know. Plain
and simple, love.
I happened
to be studying Deuteronomy for our Sunday school lesson this week and as I prayed
about what message God wanted me to focus on the most amazing thing happened.  On the last day of our trip as we were
gearing up for another trek through the park I noticed an airplane in the sky
writing letters.  As we sat watching what
he was spelling slowly but surely the letters L O V E came together. My initial
thought was a possible proposal, what shocked me was when the next letter was
written in the sky and it was a “G.” At this point we were enthralled in what
this message was going to say as the final two letters came together to spell G
O D, I knew right then the message He wanted me to share. 
“Punctuation
Matters”
 LOVE GOD. (period)
Deuteronomy
6:4-6  
4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is
one.[a] 5 Love the Lord your God with all your
heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These
commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 
We are
commanded to LOVE, love isn’t a noun here, it’s a verb. It’s an action! We
choose to love just as “God so loved the world He gave (chose) His only son”
Loving the way Jesus loved takes effort from us, it’s a choice, not a feeling. Loving
others the way God loved us should lead us to action.
LOVE GOD! (with excitement)
Verses 7-9
7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them
when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and
when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your
hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them
on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
Loving God with excitement is like hopping on the roller coaster
of life passing by the height requirements and trusting the operator. Buckle
up! There will be highs and lows, dips and turns, G-force winds that will throw
you back and stops that will cause your heart to drop. Grab your children tell
them about it, share your “ride” with them so they too can experience what a
thrill it can be to abandon oneself to the creator. 
LOVE
GOD? (The question)
Verses 10-15
10 “So it shall be, when the Lord your God brings you into the
land of which He [c]swore
to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give you large and beautiful
cities which you did not build, 11 houses
full of all good things, which you did
not fill, hewn-out wells which you
did not dig, vineyards and olive trees
which you did not plant—when you have eaten and are full— 12 then beware,
lest you forget the Lord who
brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage. 13 You
shall fear the Lord your
God and serve Him and shall take oaths in His name. 14 You
shall not go after other gods, the gods of the peoples who are all
around you 15 (for the Lord your God is a
jealous God among you),
Do you
love him? Really love him, not just in the land of “milk and honey,” but in the
wilderness?
He desires
to bring us out of the house of bondage but beware that you do not forget His
love for us. He is a jealous God and does not want us to have other idols
before us. Whether it be work, addiction, desire, our children, anything we put
before God is an idol and if we aren’t careful we will forget to Love God and
we will be wanderers in the wilderness. When we wander by our own doing, we
will then begin to question if this love is really worth it, blaming anyone but
ourselves for our choices.
LOVE, GOD (His message to us)
Deuteronomy
7:7-9
7 The Lord did
not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more
numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all
peoples. 8 But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors
that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the
land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. 9 Know
therefore that the Lord your
God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of
love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his
commandments.
What if we read scripture as a love letter from God, what
would that sound like? I rewrote the above scriptures as an example.
Dear loved one, 
I have set my affection on
you, I CHOOSE you! Not because of anything you have done or can do. I made a
promise to you and I will keep it, I will lift you up and hold you all the days
of your life.  Nothing shall bind you
other than the love I have for you. We are joined together, I am consistently
aware of you, in awe of you and desire what is best for you.  Know that I am God, I am faithful and
trustworthy.  I created you for a
purpose, you are not to live life in the wilderness but in the promise land that
I have created for you. Love me with all your heart, your soul and your
strength just as I love you.
Love, God
1 John
4:19 says “We love Him because He FIRST loved us”
This was Moses
farewell speech to the Israelites. What would that look like for you? What lessons
will you leave your children, what will you be remembered for? What legacy will
you leave? Love requires action!
Just like
a trip to Disney, the journey may be tough, the wait may be long, we may become
parched thirsting for more, the ride may be fast with twists and turns but the
end result, the true “Most magical place” will be worth it.
What punctuation
are you adding to LOVE GOD?  
Until Next Time,
Courtney

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Interference for Deliverance




Well the
Super Bowl wasn’t what we all thought it would be. As a Louisiana girl I can’t
help but think if the Saints had been playing, maybe the ratings would have
been a bit better. But as we all know, one interference play changed the
outcome of the teams participating. As I watched the infamous play over and
over again across the news and social media I couldn’t help but make a
comparison to how God uses multiple people in the bible and in our lives to
“run interference.” 

The blocks
could be subtle, or in your face, push you down, “get out of the way”
moments. Regardless, examples of God interfering or using others to interfere
intrigued me.  Because we are studying the bible in chronological order
and Exodus is the book we just began Feb. 1, I started there.   
Exodus,
and the story of Moses is a great example. Let me set the stage, it’s been 400
years, and the Hebrew people are slaves in Egypt and there is no way Pharaoh
will be letting up on them.  As a matter of fact he is so convinced they
will continue to multiply and grow in strength he has ordered the midwives to
kill ALL male babies that are born. This is the first time we see interference
in the book of Exodus. The midwives refuse to kill the babies,  they lie
to Pharaoh and deceive him, an action that could have been punishable by death,
but they do the right thing! Ex. 1:15-19
This leads
us to a mother, Jochebed. She is a mother aware that her son was no
ordinary child, and she trusted God’s purpose for him.  She interfered with Pharaohs plan for her
male son, built an ark, swaddled her baby boy and placed him in the very river,
the males were being drown in.  Trusting Gods plan for him, she let
him go.
Often we
are called to “Let go,” in order for God’s promise to be revealed.
Jochebed interfered for her child. Ex. 2:1-4
Moses was
raised in Pharaohs home, educated and treated like royalty until he was about
40 years old. At this point, he knows he must do something to help his people
be freed from slavery. There is just one mistake he makes. He forgets where
true deliverance comes from. 
Ex.
2:11-12
One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his
own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an
Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. 12 Looking
this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the
sand.




Moses looked this way, and that way, but Moses never looked up!
How often do we make choices, interfere, but never consult with God as to
whether we are doing the best thing? Interference doesn’t have to be all bad, I
believe we are all called to step in on occasion for what is right, but I also
feel very convicted that often I let my mouth lead me, versus thinking before I
speak, and allowing God to show me where I should run interference minus a
penalty flag. 
All throughout the book of Exodus, you will see God using Moses to run
interference for his people, leading them to their promise land. 
Are you aware when God runs interference for you? 
Do you run interference for what is right? 
Moses was an unlikely choice to do the job God had called him to do. He
admittedly says he is doubtful, lacks confidence and isn’t even sure he knows
how to speak in a way that will cause others to listen. BUT, Moses was willing
to try. When God called to him, he answered, “Here I am.” Ex.
3:4. 
Despite our circumstances, despite our inabilities, despite our fear and
lack of faith, God does not change. HE is the “I AM.” Ex.3:14
After watching that play over and over, what struck me more than
anything was the ref standing on the sidelines allowing it to happen. 
Are you a sideline viewer? Oblivious, or pretending to be? Not
willing? 
What good are we doing, while here on this earth if we choose to stay on
the sidelines of life? 
What if Jesus would have stayed on the sidelines? 
His death and resurrection was the ultimate interference for
deliverance! 
Romans 5:8 But
God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners,
Christ died for us.
Lean
on the deliverer to empower you to interfere, and praise him for his
interference in your life. 
The
will of God will never lead you where the power of God can’t enable you.
Until next
time, 
Courtney
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Pain for a Purpose




On more
than one occasion during the course of our lives, people have told us… “Have
you read the book of Job?” “Ya’ll have a life like Job.”  In the past, all I really knew was that Job
underwent repeated suffering, I really didn’t know much more than that. I
allowed others to label us as “Jobs.” We are “Job” I thought a few times. We
have nonstop chaos, troubles, situations that others don’t have, more than
most. So much so, we stopped telling people things that were happening to us,
because either people wouldn’t believe it, or it would drive friends away. 
It
wasn’t until I experienced back to back moments in my life that I realized nothing and no
one but God could lift my head and comfort my fears. I had to seek HIM, nothing else would suffice. It was then that I
realized my pain had a purpose, even when I don’t “feel” like, even when I
don’t want it to. I had to change my perspective on what life and satan was
throwing at me and find a way to find Jesus in all of it and to find a way to
use it to help others. 

I was
raised in the Catholic church, so going to church and knowing God was engrained in me. It was in 2002 I met Jesus. I always knew who he
was, knew he died for me but I had never known him personally. In that same
month we had our 4th child, Carrington.  Church, bible study, Wednesday night service,
I promise you if the doors to our church were open, we were attending. It was
during this time I knew God was calling me to something I couldn’t fully understand
but man was I on board, or so I thought. Shortly after this there was a
situation with Scott’s partnership which was completely out of our control and
the provision we once had came to a screeching halt. House note, car notes, 4
children, private daycare did not come to a halt. It was hard. In the middle of this, a toilet flooded our entire downstairs 6 weeks before number 5 was
born.  Almost exactly one year later, a
little storm called Rita came through and wreaked havoc on our newly remodeled
home leaving the 7 of us homeless.  Over
the course of the next 2 years, 5 children and 2 dogs in tow we would move 5
times before making it back “home.” When we made it home we actually had 6
children, as my sisters teenage daughter had come to live with us.  Within months of being “settled” we
experienced our first real trial with our oldest son. 

I remember
feeling like we couldn’t come up for air before we were pushed down again and I
cried out to God, if you want to pick on my money, fine. My shelter, ok. I had
also been in a car accident and injured my back, you want me physically in
pain. Done. But My kids… No way. If being in communion with you Lord requires
this of me, I am out. If your calling on me requires this much sacrifice and
pain I don’t want it. I am not capable of this. I could barely attend church, I
was hurt, I was broken.  I didn’t want to
hear one more person tell us “they were blessed because their house wasn’t
damaged by the storm” was I not blessed too? I didn’t want to hear the judgment
from others about Christian. Everyone else’s kids were perfect, mine was not.  Did God not see us? Why would a young family
with 5 small children, lose their shelter? Why In the midst of this would you
send me a teenage girl with learning disabilities, why would you allow Satan at
my son? WHY ME? WHY HIM? WHY US?
Suffering
of any kind prompts a natural reaction of Why. We want answers, and when we don’t
get them the silence can be as painful as the initial pain itself. I wanted answers, yet there were none. 
Job wanted answers, he had gone from having all he desired, 10 children, and living a very prosperous life to losing all of it in one day. He couldn’t come up for air before the next messenger came in to tell him more bad news. (Job 1:13-19) It’s what happens in Job’s life next that should be the focus and not his suffering. Here is what he said: 
                                    v. 21 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, 
                                              and naked shall I return there. 
                                              The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; 
                                              Blessed be the name of the Lord.” 
Do you praise God in your suffering? I sure didn’t. I didn’t thank him for all that was going wrong, I didn’t acknowledge the bigger plan, I didn’t even want to be part of it. It took time, it took silence and the dessert of my spiritual life for me to realize there would be a purpose for our pain. Job was vulnerable and now I must be too. 

Little did I know 14 years ago when we lost our house that we would be living in another city that would be devastated by a hurricane, our little friend Harvey. I would have never imagined that our pain, our loss, our “homeless” state would ultimately allow us to minister to others who lost everything. From encouragement, crying, coaching about insurance companies, to serving in a shelter and 100% identifying with the state of shock people were in, God revealed to us the purpose for our pain. We may not always know the “why” at the time, even Jesus asked “why” on the cross.
                     Mathew 27:46 And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice,                                                                     saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” 
                                             that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” 
What we do know is that just like Job, in our weakest state He does not abandon us and during these times of suffering when we cry out to God we open ourselves to a channel of divine communication. He chooses us, he uses us for His plan. We may not always “like” it, but when we view our pain as part of God’s divine purpose in our lives our perspective clears our tears. I want nothing more for you and me to sit at the feet of Jesus one day and for Him to say “well done, good and faithful servant.” 
Read the book of Job, don’t let it scare you and don’t just focus on his suffering, focus on the restoration and the relationship he built with God along the way. I no longer shutter when I think “we are like Job.” I can only hope I can be as vulnerable and faithful as him.  

Here is the song that played moments after we found out how bad our house was, divine communication, you bet. Praise You In This Storm

Until next time, 
Courtney

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Joy in the Wait



We live in a world where everything happens instantaneously. 
 “I want it now!” Click, receive. If we need groceries we can
order them online and have someone deliver it to our door. Need a gift? With a
few clicks Amazon will deliver it tomorrow. Hungry? Get a pressure cooker and
your cooking time will be cut in half.  We have become a society that is
rarely expected to wait on anything.  If you need to speak to someone, no
need to make a phone call, shoot them a text because no one wants to wait for
the phone to ring, or god forbid have to leave a message.  Waiting has
become a thing of the past. Last month I wrote about the suffocation of
anticipation and how anticipating something can be hard to do, when you are
hoping or expecting specific results.  How do your kids act when they have to wait to
open presents on Christmas? How do you act when YOU have to wait for something you want? Yet, we are asked to wait for the best gift we will ever receive. This
past Sunday was the first Sunday of the season of Advent, which literally means
“expectant waiting,” “anticipation.” There is that word again, but this time we
are waiting on birth of Christ.  We are waiting
on His return.  So, how do we find joy in
the wait? We don’t “find” it, we choose it. And the only way to choose it
is to know the source.

All the way back to Adam and Eve, though sin had entered the world
and we would assume there was no joy to be found, we are wrong. There was joy,
because God provided Hope, Grace and Forgiveness despite Adam and Eve’s
choices.  When Abraham and Sarah longed
for a baby, God told Abraham in Genesis 15:5 “to look toward the heavens and to
count the stars, so shall your descendants be.” Sarah didn’t get pregnant
immediately so Abraham entered into an expectant waiting period, a season of anticipation,
a season of Advent. There was no Joy in Egypt when Moses was born, there was no
joy when the plaques began to sweep over the people, except for the promise that
an unblemished lamb would save the people from the tenth plaque. Exodus 12:5 Just as the
baby in a manger, the unblemished Lamb of God, would take away the sin of the
world and save us. John 1:29
There was joy amongst separation, joy amongst longing and joy
amongst pain. The same God who was providing that joy, is the same God who
provided us a Savior. When we choose Him; we choose real Joy.  Despite our circumstances and despite our pain,
our relationship with Christ is where true Joy comes from.  
This
past Friday night our church had an event called Angels of light, I had the privilege
of hosting a table of “angels.” Two of the children at the table were just
placed into their newest foster home. A 7-year-old who has been in 8 homes and
a 5-year-old who has been in 4. These babies anticipate when they will have a
place to call home, a woman to call mommy and a man to call daddy. I am sure in
their little worlds they hope to be reunited with all of their siblings one
day, one has 3 the other 9. Their lives clearly are not easy but, from the
moment these two stepped off the bus they were all smiles, they danced and
skipped through the procession of people giving them high fives, and clapping for
them. As I walked with them I noticed they had joy, light, love, and excitement
with each step, twirl and hop. They brought smiles to every single person they
came in contact with.  As the
night unfolded I watched the twinkle in their eye, it was there despite their
circumstances. The church had given the kids small boxes of crayons and while talking
to the 7-year-old, I asked her who were the people on the box? (It was a small
manger scene) She said this “that’s
Mary and Joseph, and baby Jesus and he came here and was born in Bethlehem and
then he road on a donkey and he died and was resurrected, for us.” She spoke with
the confidence of someone who has been preaching the gospel all their lives. No
hesitation at all, childlike faith.  Iceasis
(pronounced Isis) was her name and she knows who her Lord and Savior is. Her
joy comes from a place that most couldn’t explain considering the life this
little one has led in 7 short years. She was a light, she was filled with joy
though we all know her life is full of anticipation, she has “expectant
waiting” for the day she will have a home. She ended her night trying to give
me her crayons, because she said, “I want you to remember me” it was all I
could do not snatch her up and take her home with me. I took the picture above
and assured her I would never forget her. She also said, “I really hope I get to see you again.” I
will work to make that happen on this side of heaven, but what I know is this.  I will see you again little one, one day we
won’t live our lives anticipating the Lords return, or our reunion with him,
one day we will reside in his presence and there will be no more anticipating
and waiting. As simple as a child would say it… because the Bible tells us
so. May we all have unexplainable joy
like Iceasis this holiday season.
Once again here is one of my favorite bands For King & Country and one of my favorite songs JOY!  
Until next time,
Courtney

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The suffocation of anticipation



Today in my prayer time one of the
first things I prayed for was this silly head of mine.  It is no secret to
anyone who knows me that I have horrible migraine headaches. It’s my cross to
bear and believe me when I say, I want to put it down, OFTEN! I am also
reminded often, that my burden is easy compared to others, so I am
thankful for my headaches being “just headaches.” I don’t like them,
I don’t want them, they have robbed me of many days of my life, but again, it
could be worse. What leads me to this writing, is also in my time this morning
I realized that my 8-day headache I have been experiencing is probably self-induced
by stress, worry, anxiety, busyness, lack of sleep and anticipation. Wait,
what? Anticipation? Of all of those self-inflicted emotions, anticipation
jumped out at me like a deer jumping into oncoming traffic. What was it about anticipation
that stopped me in my tracks? Well, what does any good curious girl do…she
digs, googles, reads, defines and prays some more.  Here is what I learned. 
Anticipate: 
1. regard as probable; expect or predict.
2. guess or be aware of (what will happen) and take action in
order to be prepared. 
To
anticipate something can be exciting. The anticipation of a new baby is an
exciting time. A vacation with friends or family, moving into a dream home, a
milestone birthday (unless you’re getting older) this one is reserved for those
less than 40! Haha. So many positives to anticipation. But look at the
definitions, “regard as probable, expect or predict.” Is it possible
to find ourselves in a mindset of expectations and predictions for ourselves
and others? Placing burdens on our lives and the lives of those close to us.
The second definition says to “be aware and take action in order to be prepared.”
We can prepare ourselves for the birth of a baby, a vacation, a move, or a
birthday. What we can never prepare for is infertility, the loss of a job
making vacations impossible, a disaster taking our home, the loss of a loved
one and losing those birthdays.  We can also anticipate the actions of
others, expect and prepare for what “we think” we deserve from them
only to be hurt or let down when they aren’t who we prepared ourselves for them
to be. 
As
the holidays approach and families begin to gather, pressure begins to rise,
anticipation will begin to rise as well.  Kids will anticipate gifts,
mothers will anticipate meals and preparations, and fathers’ financial
commitments.  We will anticipate family gatherings, the good, the bad and
the ugly. Not all families are whole. We all have family dynamics that become
especially exposed during the holidays. I heard today of a bible teacher
saying, why do you go into family gatherings year after year expecting family
members to act differently than they have in years past? So true! The only
people who can act different are the people we can control, and that is US! You
and me! 

This week is a big week for our family, the reasons I will share one day. 
I have anticipated these specific days for months. My kids and husband have
anticipated it as well. We need this to happen, there is a desire for closure,
answers, the light to be turned on at the end of the tunnel, though the tunnel
may still be long and hard. I beg for the light. I pray for the burden to be
less. I have painted the picture of what this looks like from the worst
scenario to the most glorious. Doesn’t God see me? Then it hit me today, my
anticipation is suffocating me! Of course, He sees me!  I have strength, peace and joy that is only
explained because He DOES see me. 
I
am a Mom, I am a fixer, a kisser of boo boo’s, a slayer of monsters in the
closet, a friend when others are mean, a reminder that one woman will always
love you most.  How do I breathe again when I am suffocating? 
I remind myself that freedom is in surrender, there is hope in the wait
and I turn to the one who gives me breath. 
Mathew 11:28-30
(NIV)
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give
you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble
in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
The yoke: a wooden crosspiece
that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to
the plow or cart that they are to pull. Our burdens, responsibilities,
anticipations can be heavy but the yoke was never created to be carried by one.
Jesus never promised easy and simple lives. We are called to do the work that he
has set before us with His promises of joy, peace and love, even when it is
hard.  Share your anticipations with Him.
His shoulders are stronger, his burdens are light and when we partner with Him
we can rest and not grow weary.  
My hope for you is that your anticipations will shift as mine
did today.  I will anticipate the Lords plan, I will trust and not grow
weary, I will rest in the comfort of knowing that there is hope in the wait …
22 Because of
the Lord’s great
love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions
never fail.

23 They are
new every morning;

    great is
your faithfulness.

24 I say to
myself, “The Lord is my
portion;

    therefore I
will wait for him.”
25 The Lord is
good to those whose hope is in him,

    to the one
who seeks him;

26 it is good
to wait quietly

    for the
salvation of the Lord.  Lam
3:22-26 (NIV)
 

Finally, this song resonates for the
moments I just need to breathe. Take a moment, soak in these words and “exhale.”
Click here Exhale by Plumb.

Until next time,

Courtney






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Tissues for Tears

I remember being a child,
spending time with my Grandmother.  She visited, and I stayed with her
often.  Back then kids didn’t attend evening events with their parents as
frequently as we allow our kids to attend events with us, or at least in my
house that’s how I was raised. Mom and Dad had a football game to attend, I
went to Grandma’s.  Mom and Dad were going to dinner, I went to
Grandma’s.  I remember there was always good times to be had at Grandma’s
house.  She cooked, we played games,  I laid on the couch, she would watch T.V., laughing at
Johnny Carson and I would stare at a framed picture of a little girl with red
hair imagining who that girl was, what was her story.  I would make up
scenarios in my mind about her life and who she was.  I just remember her
being pretty and having beautiful long red hair.  To this day, I don’t
know if that was just a pretty picture in her home, or a painting of someone
significant.  What I did know was that my Mom was an only child, her only
sibling died at birth due to complications.  I have heard the story
numerous times, and each time, sadness and anger filled both my Mother and
Grandmothers emotions.  Deborah was her name. Maybe this is what Deborah
would have looked like.  I am sure she would have been beautiful and I
know she would have been well loved based on how my Grandmother knew how to
love.  She was a natural caregiver, hard worker, strong and independent.
My Great Grandmother lived next door to her so often I bounced between the two
homes, getting my fill of love and spoiling.  One thing I also remember is
tissues, a box next to their chairs, lying beside their bedside, and balled up
inside their purses.  My Mother also always had tissues handy, I remember
the pocket of her robe, her jackets, and inside her purse as well.  A
tissue was never too far.  As a child I thought, yuck! Why in the world
would someone have a “used” tissue in their pocket, by their chair,
in their purse? Throw it away, right?  Then it happened, I became a
mother.  Tissues found their rightful place in my life almost
immediately.  Wiping baby noses, spit up, tears, those tissues became a
staple with little ones.  As they grew out of the stages where I had to
wipe their little faces tissues no longer had a place, or did they? As my
children have aged, entered the teenage years and adulthood I have come to the
realization that those tissues in all those secret places that my Mother and
Grandmother kept stored for easy access weren’t for blowing their noses but
rather for wiping tears, their tears.
As I have had to let my
children go to become the men and women God intends them to be I have noticed
my tears have become plentiful.  I cry out of joy, I cry out of worry, I
cry out of sadness.  I have come to an age when I see beauty in things I
missed completely when I was a young mother.  A baby can bring me to
tears, and an elderly person can turn them on just as easily.  A song, a
message in church, a T.V. show, a call from a friend.  The reunions with
my college kids, and the goodbyes.  If you are a mother you have had
dreams and desires for your children, and when you see them living their dreams
and lives to the fullest, it’s emotional.  Then there are the kids who are
lost, not where they need to be, captive to their own sins, suffering and your
tears fall when you cry out to the Lord for their lives to be restored. 
My tears are welcome and understood by the Lord, He too wept.  John 11:35
says “Jesus wept.” This was after he was told of Mary and Martha’s
brother Lazarus’ death and upon him seeing the woman and his Jewish friends
weeping over the loss of him.  He wept with His believers, He was deeply
moved by their sadness (v. 33 & 38).  Jesus was filled with sorrow and
anguish as he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane over His pending death (Mathew
26:38, Mark 14: 34, Luke 22:44).  All throughout scripture there are
references of people crying out in joy, anguish, fear, distress, cries of
concern, fervent cries for the Lord to hear their petitions.
He hears us, he sees us as
we pull our tissues out and wipe our eyes.
Psalm 56:8 tells us;

            You keep track of all my
sorrows.[a]
 
                  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
 
         You have recorded each one in your book.

I will proudly carry my tissues
for the next generation to see that tears, cries to the Lord are acceptable and
needed as we navigate the seasons of Motherhood. He created us to be emotional,
loving, caring women and He wants us to cry out to Him in all things. So, grab
some tissues, share them with another mother who may be needing them. Weep with
her, celebrate with her, pray with her, wipe her tears, wipe your own, you are
not alone. 


Until next time,Courtney


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The “Tooth Fairies” wings are tired….

Oh the dreaded tooth fairy saga in our home! Should one family really have to keep track of this many teeth ? We started losing teeth in this house back in 1998!  Our youngest lost his second tooth last night, which of course he is ecstatic about.  I on the other hand immediately thought, “I need to put on my fairy wings, and attempt to remember this, I cannot forget!”  Even the reminder fresh on my mind, didn’t help.  This morning as he woke up disappointed by the lack of money under the pillow and the lonely tiny tooth still sitting there, I had to get creative.  “Sweetie, you lost the tooth very late, the tooth fairy was probably tired, she will come another night.” Deep sigh…  But you know what, after approximately 50 plus lost teeth and 20 years of “tooth fairy” demands,  the tooth fairy is tired. The magic and excitement has faded, her wings don’t always sparkle like they used to, and the inflation trend of teeth these days, well it’s just ridiculous.  I could just blow her entire cover, call her out on her inadequacies and admit that she is me, and I am a failure.  I fail every day! There I said it, I am so imperfect in my parenting, my day to day operations of life, my decision making, being a wife, my words to myself. Everyday I fail, some days bigger than others. I AM NOT enough! There I said that too, I will never be enough, in who I am. The outside world sees the external Facebook worthy me, but only one person sees me for who I am, the inside, the failure, the “not enough” me.  The “tooth fairy” with dimmed, dusty wings,  is tired, overwhelmed, forgetful, snappy, guilty, and not enough. Each day that I wake the responsibilities still remain, some more burdensome than others, some as simple as a few dollars under a pillow to bring a smile to a 7 year old.  The only hope of making sure my wings glow brightly is to remind myself that in and of myself I am a fairy with dimmed wings and the light and brightness they require comes from another source that is not me.  I have to admit my failures, inability to handle my life and those that depend on me without some serious guidance and a commitment to prayer.   My sparkle comes from the Lord.  The strength in my wings comes from my ability to admit I am not enough WITHOUT HIM!

The amazing news is I AM ENOUGH to Him. He thinks I am perfect in my failures, in my guilt, in my inadequacies.  He is more than happy to shine through me when I allow it.  When I am obedient to who God wants me to be, He shines through me. He makes me enough, He make my wings strong and full of shine. As I was envisioning wings, I was reminded of something I learned this week and how symbolic it is in our lives. 
Owls, storks, vultures, buzzards and over 800 species of birds are all protected under the federal government migratory act.  It is illegal to pursue, hunt, capture, kill, or sell these birds.  Why you might wonder? They are protected because they fall under the protection of our National Bird, the Bald Eagle.  They are alike in many ways, they are in the same predatory/raptor category as the Eagle which provides them protection. When I heard this my first image was of a less than attractive vulture, protected by the beauty and radiance of a Bald Eagle.  Is there really a comparison to the majestic image of the Bald Eagle versus a vulture? I would say no. The symbolism here is that we too are buzzards, vultures, storks etc. Our wings and our image are not nearly as majestic as the One who we were created to be like. The good news is we fall under the protection of Jesus Christ and His full majesty. So when my fairy wings are tired, failing and losing shine I am under the protection and covering of the One who never fails, never loses shine nor strength.  With that I will dust off my wings, I will rest and thank Him for making me ENOUGH!   

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Psalm 91:4

But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31


This song says it all… Enjoy! Meredith Andrews-Soar SOAR

Until next time, 
Courtney
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Letting them go… Trust Part 2

In Part 1, which you can read here,  I shared about the mother of Moses, Jochebed.  She was forced to make a life changing decision to save her son from the orders of Pharaoh which stated that ALL baby boys must be killed at birth.  Jochebed attempted to hide him as long as she could, but when she could no longer keep him she made the difficult decision to release him. She built a basket for protection, and I am sure she prayed to God for security, peace in her decision.  She walked to the water and let him go. Those words, “Let him go,” hurt my heart.  As she watched and allowed him to float away, she made the boldest move of trust and set an example that still resonates today.

Last week we dropped our oldest daughter off to college, We “let her go,” and a piece of my heart was left in Arkansas. Yesterday I left another piece of my heart, John Scott, in Louisiana.  We are “letting him go.” As they move away we are letting go of so much more than just their physical presence in our day to day lives,  we are letting go of knowing their every move, letting go of control, letting go of them emotionally in so many ways.  Not that we aren’t still very present, but we are forced to disconnect in ways that sting a mommas heart.  We can’t rescue them from the bumps and bruises of life, we can’t catch them when they fall,  we are in a new role in their lives now and trust is at the forefront.

As parents we spend most of our kids lives attempting to be in control.  Guarding them when they take their first steps, walking them to their first day of school, cautiously allowing them to climb at the playground, and providing bikes with training wheels so they don’ t fall.  We want to protect them, shelter them and control their destiny because we are convinced that no one could love this child more than their mother loves them.  But we are mistaken, there is someone who loves them more…God, the creator of the Heavens and the Earth. The very one who knit them together in your womb, He loves them even more than we can imagine.  So why is it so hard to let go? To release them in the water, and watch them float? I believe it’s because this is the ultimate moment of trust. Trusting ourselves as parents, and trusting God in their lives.   This is the moment we question everything we have done for them over the last 18 years.  The “what ifs” take over and doubt sets in.  What if, I didn’t teach them all they need to know? What if, I regret the times I could have spent with them, but didn’t ? What if, they don’t know how much I love them? What if,  they don’t know how to cook a meal, wash their clothes, get up on time without repeated reminders?  What if they forget to not talk to strangers, though everyone is a stranger? The “what if’s” game will drive you crazy if you allow it and the doubt will sweep over you like a black cloud that wants to stick around.  Before you know it you will be wearing a banner and crown that says “Mom Failure” and trust in God’s plan for your children is a distant memory.

Jochebed watched as Moses’ little basket made its way down the Nile. That was his security, his physical protection.  How many of your kids had or still have a security pillow or blanket? My kids each had 2 blankets given to them by my mom at their birth.  I swaddled them in it when they were babies, covered them when they were toddlers, they carried them to restaurants and friends houses.  These blankets helped them feel close to home, close to me. The smell, the touch, the stains all serving a distinct purpose of security and trust for them that I am not too far away. Home is not too far away.  Moses’ mom new God, she trusted him with her most prized possession, she believed in the vision and plan that God had for her son and she new it was better than anything she could have envisioned for him, so she let him go, wrapped in HIS security.

How do we become like Jochebed? How do we turn from “what if,” doubt and self imposed failure status to trusting, visionary moms in our kids lives?  For me, there is only one way.  I consistently surrender my own plans, my own desires, my own dreams all of my “what if’s” over to the One who already has it all figured out.  Is it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY YES! My role has shifted, I no longer control their decisions, I no longer can protect them from the pains of this life, the bumps and the bruises. They no longer need their security blankets to keep them safe and close to home. My role now is to trust, pray, surrender my worries to God who is their security, their protector and the one who is in control.  I weep out of my own selfishness for wanting more time, just one more bedtime story because change and growth are hard, but I rejoice as well in the opportunity to discover more about who they are becoming and celebrating Gods plan for them.

All of my kids still have their blankets, Chandler carried hers to college, you can see in this picture they are draped over her bed, John Scott brought one with him and gave me one to keep back home. Isn’t it interesting how during this role shift he knew Momma needed more security than he would need?  He walked in my room this morning and said, Momma, “here you go, keep it and don’t lose it,” as he handed me his blanket.  Not only did he know, but God knows this isn’t easy on us mommas, so I count this as one of those “I see your pain, and I’ve got this” messages from the Lord personally to me.  John Scott may never know that it was just what my heart needed as I “let go” of another one of my babies, to float the river of life trusting in the One who loves them more than I can imagine.  It is MY reminder that they are not far from home, nor will they ever be far from me. As I have told them since they were babies, no matter where you are, you are always in my heart.

Until next time,
Courtney

                            Chandlers Room with blankets, and John Scott’s blanket for Me…

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Getting to the water… Trusting Part 1

In the old testament there is a mother, Jochebed, who is forced to trust God completely with her son Moses.  Decisions had to be made swiftly and she could no longer hold him back from the inevitable. We experience the very same moments in our children’s lives as we are forced into decisions that have to be made and trust having to take precedence.  Jochebed, walked to the Nile, the very river Pharaoh had ordered his people to use as means of killing all the boys that were born,  she placed him in a basket to float away, trusting God would take care of him and that His plan was perfect. 

I have watched as my third child’s high school days have come to an end. It has been a bitter sweet ending for us as she is our first daughter and the emotions for this child’s graduation were different than those of her brothers.  I don’t know if it was because she was the first girl, if it’s because of the role she plays in our home, or if it’s because we are at the half way mark in our family to having all of our kids through this milestone, but none the less this one was more painful than expected.  This entire last year has been filled with college tours, standardized tests, application processes, resumes, and the dreaded essays with complete writers block.  We traveled in state, out of state, considered important details down to minute details. The Tigers, the Hogs, the Mavericks, the Roadrunners, the Elephants.. you name it. We went so far as to consider if she would look good in that color or this color, and which mascot sounded the best being cheered for.  None of which really mattered but at the time, it was a detail in the narrowing down process. We laughed, we cried. It’s too close, too far, too hot, too cold…Goldilocks what is the best fit for you? Is there a perfect fit if you haven’t really tried it on?
She was accepted to some, denied by others, again we celebrated and again we cried. Heartbreak is part of it and we watched as acceptance letters rolled in and doubt joined. Uncertainty of where the best “fit” for her crept in and consumed her mind and thoughts.  Some colleges truly didn’t want to know anything about who she was, they wanted to know her GPA, her ACT, SAT, her rank, really she was nothing more than a number on a piece of paper to most of them. Sure, they want to see the resume, they wanted her to write these lengthy essays, but sadly I can’t even confirm if anyone even read the essays she wrote.  She was not alone,  I spoke with kid after kid, some with GPA’s and scores that I could not believe were being denied by colleges because they didn’t apply soon enough or weren’t ranked high enough due to the competition of their specific graduating class.  What happened to the good ole average kid? I was that kid?  I have a radiology degree, I am a real estate agent and spend 90% of my time doing volunteer work and writing. My SAT and ACT scores, my rank even my degree mean very little if anything at this point in my life.
My daughter by most standards is considered well above average, in my eyes and in the eyes of the only one who matters, the Lord, she is perfect just as she is. But Moms we have to continuously stand in the gap for our children when friends, peers, teachers, tests, scores and yes colleges, tell them otherwise. She is more than a number, she is funny, compassionate, kind, giving, moody (aren’t all woman),  head strong, determined, she will tell you like it is (gets that from her momma), will help a friend in need,  loves deeply, forgives yet cautiously forgets,  stresses about the small stuff, worries about everyone and everything,  is self disciplined beyond her years, self motivated, a leader, the first one to comply with requests, a pleaser, a peacemaker, I could go on and on.  You can’t put a number on those qualities, and all of those will go much farther in life than a GPA, an ACT, SAT or a class rank and for that I think we have done a great job and the world is hers to conquer.  So with all of this, our past year as parents have been eye opening on so many levels, the most obvious one being to make sure our daughter is reminded daily that her value does not lie in a number, a rank, an acceptance, even her future degree.
As of 24 hours ago she is moved into her college, the one I truly believe God chose for her and I hope she realizes her value lies in all of those amazing qualities listed above, in the good she will do as a future nurse, a future wife and mother, a child of God. Her value lies in what she will do with all of those qualities God has blessed her with and how she will share them with others.  This is what makes her valuable. The rest of those numbers are fleeting and mean nothing in the grand scheme of life.

My hope for this post is for all the Mommas who are stressing about the perfect college, the perfect GPA, the perfect rank. I have been there, and I stressed and failed miserably on trusting the process.  I was no Jochebed,  and I am certainly no expert but I know this, Gods plan is so much better than my own.  As long as you can stay focused on that, guide with patience, reassurance and trust Him,  it will all work out just as He has designed. 

Until Next Time,
Courtney