Month: July 2020

Dear frustration you have been invited to my party.
Date: 2020
Time: Everyday … ALL DAY!
RSVP: No need, I know you will show up.

Anyone else feel like they have invited frustration to your party? She brought an appetizer of uncertainty garnished with anxiety. She wore her cutest outfit of expectation and a wine glass full of inadequacy…

And she WON’T LEAVE!
I know I am not alone.

I am a planner, I like lists, colored pens, and get great satisfaction from marking through what I have accomplished in a day, week or month. What I don’t like, is a bare calendar! I don’t like having to scratch through things with a big fat red X. I have a list right now that says… well, nothing! It’s  uncomfortable, it’s not who I am.

I am detail oriented, give me all the details, not some broad overview and hypothetical scenarios. That is frustration laughing loudly in the corner and you know she is mocking you.

I want her to leave, but all my friends like her, they welcomed her when she arrived. My kids are even drawn to her. She is the life of the party. I am kicking her out…. NOW!

I could let her stay, but what do I gain from that? She doesn’t help with any of the issues I am facing, the decisions that need to be made, or the anxiety that comes with both.

If I am not careful, my focus will shift, and I will lose sight of what is important. I will lose sight of perspective. Maybe I should have invited Blessing, she always refocuses me. Or Peace, she is a good friend. Attitude adjustment, oh that girl will tell you like it is, but I love her. She pulls me right out of my funky state of mind.  She reminds me instead of uncertainty…. Be certain, that despite this crazy time, God is on the throne and this too will pass. Instead of expectations… how about experience, try something unexpected.

Send frustration home with her anxiety, spilling her wine of inadequacy as she stumbles out the door, because God chose you! For today, for this year, for your children. YOU ARE CHOSEN, and chosen people are not inadequate.

Invite Prayer, she too won’t leave, but you will never want her to. She will hold you; she will listen to you; she will remind you.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I am changing my guest list. Are you?

Until next time,
Courtney

Balance and Peace…something we are ALL struggling with.

Whether it is work-related decisions or family decisions, I feel I am one decision away from tipping the scale in the wrong direction.

Go to the store… order online?
In-person school… virtual school?
Playdates… no playdates?
Dine-in… take out?
Cry… or laugh?
Go… or stay?

I am writing this from a hospital waiting room and I just overheard a doctor asking a husband to make a decision on saving his wife’s uterus. I don’t know the situation, I don’t know if they have children or if this surgery was an attempt to make that possible. What I do know, he is having to weigh all the options. The pain I see in his face, the deep breathes he is taking in hopes to sustain his lungs as the breath has been knocked out of him. The wringing of his hands and sweat on his brow are evidence, his scale is heavy on both ends and he is caught in the middle. Save her uterus, sacrifice her uterus. We are here alone, only one family member can be present with the patients, this decision is solely on his shoulders. It makes my decisions seem very small in light of what I am witnessing. Sometimes a big fat dose of perspective is all we need.

How do we find balance when the scale is teetering?

Doesn’t balance bring peace?

How do we find peace ?

If you are struggling and feel one wrong decision will tip your scale, and peace is unattainable you’re not alone!

I am a planner, I like to make a plan and I like for it to work out just as I have imagined it would. Insert a big fat God eye roll right here as he laughs at my “planning.” I imagine Him saying, awe Courtney, that plan is cute, but I’ve got this, you can relax now. Decisions do have to be made and we should make a plan, and be prepared. Not so much for the actual decision but for the ability to find peace with those decisions. How? Especially right now when they feel so heavy, both sides of the scale difficult and both sides of the scale with their own cheering squad.

Yep, SELFISH! I examine MY mind, MY heart, MY family priorities, I remove the social pressures of everyone else’s “opinions” and make the best decision for those God has entrusted me to take care of. And I make NO excuses!

Slow down, I force my mind and body to slow down, I read a book, lay in the pool (alone), take a nap, watch a mindless show (thank you bachelor nation)! DON’T JUDGE ME! and…

I PRAY! I readjust my focus. Doing this forces me to accept the false notion that I am in control of ANY of it. Every time I have panicked, worried myself out of sleep or into a migraine, which I am famous for, I am reminded God is in control and I don’t have to have all the right answers, but I do have to have enough faith and trust in the One who does have the right answers.

The scale will continue to teeter, balance will continue to feel allusive.  Leaning this way and that, right or wrong, yes or no, calm or chaos.
Just as it levels peace rushes in like ocean waters washing up on the shore cooling your toes. Savor this, welcome it, soak it up! Because like ocean waters, it may recede leaving you longing for it to rush back in.

The good news… it comes back! Flowing more powerfully than ever, over and over again, just when I feel I am being scorched by life, dry to my ability to find peace amongst my balancing act, the waters of peace roll in and wash over me reminding me of God’s goodness and grace.

I may not feel balanced at all times …none of us do.
But I can feel peace even when the scale is tipping. Because my peace doesn’t come from my life being balanced, my peace comes from my trust in God…I choose to trust despite my lack of ability to balance all things thrown at me, HE IS IN CONTROL! And with knowing that, I find Peace!

Until next time,
Courtney